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lemonjade4
19 January 2009 @ 12:50 pm
I hate them. They make me do stupid things, they make me think stupid things, they make me say stupid things. I just need to get out of here. I need to do something. I dont know what to do. I dont know what im doing. I have to find my Edward. I dont think he's in Odessa. But I cant get out. I can't leave. Theres people here. There's people here I know and love. I suppose thats my roblem--I know everyone here and already know there's not a single Edward in this town. I wonder if he's out there. I wonder if he's waiting for me. I wonder if he needs a Bella. This place can't be my whole life. I know I HAVE to be destined for so much more. I have to get out of here. Soon. I have to. I want a story to tell people. I want there to be magic. I want people to wish they had my story. There's no magic and mystery and wonder in saying, "We met at my sister's house and he was hammered." That's awful. Thats horrible. I don't want that to be my story. I want to say that...we were in a book store, in search of the same novel, but didn't know it. Then we ended up on the same aisle, reaching for the same book at the same time. Of course he got to it first, but we giggled and talked about the book and he let me take it, but only if I let him borrow it when I was done. Or...we were in a coffee shop. He had gotten his right before I got mine. We were at the same area putting sugar in our coffee, and I spilled mine all over him. He jumps at first, but then our eyes meet and he says I can make it up to him by having lunch at IHOP. Or...of course....there's the ever-so-popular...I walk into a classroom and he falls in love with the smell of my blood and does everything he can to get away from me, but ends up falling in love with me and doing whatever it takes to protect me and keep me safe. UGHHHHH. Why am I like this? Why is this such a big deal for me?? Why can't I just have fun?? Why do I need to be in love?
 
 
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: Rob Pattinson
 
 
lemonjade4
19 January 2009 @ 12:59 am
I have fallen in love. But there's only one problem--he doesn't exist. The one whom I speak of is a fictional character in a book. His name is Edward, and he's perfect. He loves a girl named Bella, along with everything about her. He wants to know every single detail about her and her life. He's so intrigued by her. He listens to her when she talks. He REALLY listens. His entire life revolves around her the moment he meets her. His number one goal is to keep her safe and happy. He can't be away from her for more than a couple of hours without getting anxious. She is his whole purpose. He's so in love with her, and I'm in love with him. Of course I know that in reality, Edward  doesn't exist. Partly because he's a vampire. (Haha). But I can't help but wonder if...someday I'll find my own Edward. Someone who is completely infatuated with me, and I, him. Someone who wants only to make me happy, and to simply BE with me. Someone who will put as much into the relationship as I do. But I don't think I'm destined for such great things. I don't deserve an Edward. The few Edwards out there are reserved for those who truly deserve them. For those who need them the most. As for me, I'll probably have to settle for a Mike. Or even worse...an ERIC. Agh...but if only...if only I could find my own Edward. If only I could find someone who was as madly in love with me as I was with them. I will never have an Edward. I dont deserve an Edward....but I don't WANT a Devin anymore...
 
 
Current Mood: depresseddepressed
Current Music: Twilight Soundrtack
 
 
lemonjade4
08 July 2008 @ 10:33 pm
Well I'm here now. I'm in Austin. I'm here, away from my Lisarie, away from my mom, away from my whole life. It's ironic that I left my whole life in order to start my life. I'm so afraid. I'm so afraid of life. I'm so afraid of making decisions. I'm so afraid of meeting new people. I'm so afraid of screwing up. I'm so afraid of giving up. I'm so afraid that I'll be a disappointment. I'm so afraid that I'll be too afraid to do anything. I don't know what to do now. I don't know if I made the biggest mistake of my life or did the best thing I could. What happens if I mess up? What happens if I'm not good enough? What happens if this wasn't what I'm meant to do? I don't want to meet new friends, I like the ones that I have and I miss them dearly. I miss Lisa. I miss her cute noises, I miss her butt-hole-mouth-face, I miss her almond-shaped eyes, I miss her annoying apathy, I miss her amazing hugs, I miss her lil' legs, lil' arms, lil' FACE, lil' poops, lil' toots! I miss seeing her toot and then wiggling. I miss seeing her get the wiggles. I miss her amazing sense of style. I miss her obnoxious cursing, I miss her stealing my food, I miss her holding my hand, I miss her ginormous dentist-free smile. I miss assuring her of everything. I miss her making fun of my music preference. I miss her telling me about her pimple-popping experiences (eww), I miss picking her up and watching her walk up to the car. I miss being bored with her. I miss her telling me she loves me in a ridiculously high pitched voice. I miss being in her presence. I miss my mom and her constant smoking and coffee drinking and teeth sucking and thumb clenching and leg shaking and awkward kiss giving and loving and talking and encouraging. The sweet voice of John Mayer is not making this ANY easier. Life just isn't as fun without those you love. Make sure that they know how you feel. Don't ever hold anything back. Don't have any regrets. Don't hold back. Don't be subtle. Don't hold back. Speak. Don't hold back. Tell those you love why you love them and how amazing they are. Don't hold back. Let it be known. Don't hold back. Say what you need to say. Don't hold back. 
 
 
Current Location: A new "home"
Current Mood: lonelylonely
Current Music: "Say" by John Mayer